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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28095867">in which dumbledore wasnt a little bitch</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asexual Charlie Weasley, Bisexual George Weasley, Bisexual Ginny Weasley, Bisexual Harry Potter, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Everybody Lives, F/F, F/M, Gay Albus Dumbledore, Gay Sirius Black, Good Peter Pettigrew, Lesbian Pansy Parkinson, M/M, No Death Eaters, Non-binary Tonks, Sirius Black &amp; James Potter Friendship, andromeda is a queen, basically everyone lives, dumbledore isnt a manipulative bitch, fred and george are different people, good but slightly psychotic bellatrix, literal teenagers dont have to go through war, luna is a she/they icon, minnie is a literal legend, snape is a greasy haired little bitch, this is probably gonna be kinda boring but like idc, walburga and orion are still bitches</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:59:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,940</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28095867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically just Dumbledore actually caring about other people and he destroys all the Horcruxes and stops Tom Riddle instead of making a teenager do it all for him. Also everyone lives and no one's evil cause even though that could be kind of boring thinking about stuff like this is the only thing that brings me comfort anymore so honestly fuck it. SO long story short this is a rewrite with actual lgbtq representation and voldy only shows up for like 5 seconds before Dumbledore takes his ass down.</p><p>Disclaimer: since JKR is tr@nsphobic these characters don't belong to her anymore and they belong to the fandom now.</p><p>this is also my first story and i have no idea how to write on ao3 so if i fuck something up sorry about that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks, Arthur Weasley/Molly Weasley, Fabian Prewett &amp; Gideon Prewett &amp; Molly Weasley, Fred Weasley &amp; George Weasley, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lee Jordan/George Weasley, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nymphadora Tonks &amp; Charlie Weasley, Padma Patil &amp; Parvati Patil, Percy Weasley/Oliver Wood, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin &amp; Peter Pettigrew &amp; James Potter &amp; Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. James' hot ass hair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Set 1978</p><p>They did it. They graduated. After 7 years of mischief, doing slightly illegal things in slightly illegal places, and 7 years of making every single professor consider retirement, the Marauders finally graduated Hogwarts. James ran a hand through his messy hair. For some reason that always seemed to turn like every single person at that school on. Except Marlene and Dorcas, but they’re lesbians and in a relationship so it doesn’t really count. James sighed and looked around him. The past year was one of the best ever. He got Head Boy, won the Quidditch Cup, but best of all, he finally got Lily Evans to date him. And that was the best thing that could’ve ever happened. James was also happy to say Lily got along with Sirius, Remus and Peter perfectly. She was literally Sirius’ female counterpart, so probably why she and James were perfect for each other. He did have a crush on her for like, 7 years. Although there was that small phase where James had a bit of a crush on Regulus when he was 15 and Regulus was 14, and that one time where James and Sirius made out in their 3rd year, but it was really just for fun. Even though it was kinda hot. But Lily was so much better and Sirius was dating Remus anyways. And there’s always the fact that Sirius and James were literally best friends and basically brothers in everything but blood. Anyways.<br/>James stood up and started going back up to his dorm to pack up the last of his stuff. It was the last day of the school year, meaning they’d be going home that day. James was excited as hell to see his parents, but also slightly sad. This school is where he spent the best years of his life, and now, well, he wasn’t gonna come back. Or so he thought. </p><p>After packing up all the firewhisky he and Sirius stashed underneath their beds, the four guys made their way down to the Great Hall, and were unsurprised to see Marlene, Dorcas and Lily already there. Alice should’ve been there too, which was a bit weird, but knowing her she probably had a late night trying to make sure her dorm mates packed everything up. Or maybe she was just off snogging Frank, who knows.<br/>And so she was. When she and Frank came into the dining hall about half an hour later, with their clothes and hair disheveled and messy, everyone knew what they were getting up to.<br/>“Had some fun didn’t you?” Sirius asked with a cheeky smile. Lily, Marlene and James chuckled, and Peter started sniggering way too loudly, which kinda killed the mood. But that did happen rather often anyways.<br/>They finished up with their breakfast and usually this is the part where James would’ve stood up and made some cheesy ass speech about friendship and all their years together and whatnot, but Lily had made it clear that she would beat his ass if he did that so he sat still frowning.<br/>“Everything alright love?” Lily asked while chewing aggressively on a breadstick. Where the hell she got a breadstick from, who knows? Probably Peter. He’s known for stashing random food in his pockets.<br/>“Yeah I’m fine. It’s just you know, after graduating, there’s a war going on cause fucking Voldemort decided to be a spoilt brat, so we might die and stuff. No biggie though.” James lied quickly, cause he couldn’t let her know that he actually really really wanted to do a cringey ass speech. Although it wasn’t that much of a lie. James personally rather enjoyed being alive, so if he died just cause Voldemort never got over that phase in middle school where he wanted to take over the world, that would be kinda sad.<br/>Lily smiled sadly and kissed him.<br/>“James we’re gonna be alright. I promise you.”<br/>James didn’t really understand how she could promise that, I mean it’s not like she had some plan to take Voldemort down in a few simple steps.</p><p>Lily smiled and looked at her boyfriend. He looked so sad. Maybe she should’ve let him do the speech. Nah, the second hand embarrassment she’d get wouldn’t be worth James being happy for like 5 minutes. “We’d better go down to the carriages” Lily said, “As much as I love this place I wouldn’t really wanna be stuck here.”<br/>James nodded and stood up.<br/>“I mean, being stuck here would be rather fun, but Sirius would get so bloody pissed at me that I didn’t include him”</p><p>They got on the train, and really had no problem finding a compartment.<br/>“I don’t wanna leave. Like at all” Sirius pouted while laying in Remus’ lap. Remus didn’t really look bothered, he just kept flipping through his book. Peter was just sitting curled up in a corner nibbling on cheese, and James and Lily were sitting next to each other, with Lily trying to explain to James how radio signals work, and James trying his hardest to understand while stress eating chocolate frogs.<br/>“Oh bloody hell I’ve got Dumbledore again” James sighed in exasperation, and gave the card to Peter who gladly accepted. Peter had a whole Dumbledore card collection. One might even call it a shrine. I mean mad respect for Peter for the commitment.<br/>"Hey whatever happened to that bet you had with the Prewett twins?" Sirius asked James, "I mean is it still on or..."<br/>"What bet?" Lily cut him off and looked at James.<br/>James immediately winced and Sirius glanced at James apologetically.<br/>"I'm waiting." Lily was starting to get a bit impatient. She just hoped that James hadn't made some extremely stupid bet with the Prewetts. That happened a lot.<br/>"Well... I may or may not have betted like 100 galleons to them"<br/>"100 GALLEONS!"<br/>"Give or take, yes. Anyways, I thought that Dumbledore would take down Voldemort before the end of the summer. Gideon and Fabian though, they thought that he'd be killed by Dumbledore after Christmas."<br/>"That is the dumbest thing to bet 100 galleons for." Remus remarked setting his book down.<br/>Lily took a deep breath. She couldn't believe the stupidity of her boyfriend. She internally wondered what the hell came over her when she realized she liked James Potter. Honestly, dumbest decision of her life. <br/>"JAMES POTTER WHAT WERE YOU THINKING. YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT-" Lily and James got into a heated argument, which was mostly Lily yelling at him and him trying to apologize, until James yelled "are you being serious" to her to which she responded "no I'm Lily" and kept yelling at him<br/>Peter opened another chocolate frog and sighed rather loudly when he realized he didn't get Dumbledore. Even though he did get Merlin, which was kind of cool, Peter refused to accept anything that wasn't Dumbledore. And yet Peter claimed to be straight... When he realized no one was paying attention to him, he sighed again, a bit louder this time, hoping someone would trade for a Dumbledore card. James and Lily abruptly stopped arguing, Sirius stopped laughing and Remus just looked up calmly. <br/>"Will somebody please just trade me a Dumbledore card." Peter blurted out, getting a bit uncomfy with all the people staring at him. James and Sirius started laughing, and Lily got up and said she was going to find another compartment.</p><p>The train ride seemed way too short. As soon as they got to the platform, Lily had a few teary goodbyes with her friends. which made no sense since they'd probably see each other in like a few hours, but that's just how friendship works. James and Sirius made their way over to Mr. and Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Potter being all teary and rambling about how her boys were finally adults and Mr. Potter asking about Quidditch. Remus finally found Lyall and before Remus could say or do anything Lyall brought him into a huge hug. Peter and his family had already apparated back home. All in all, the marauders were all happy. And that's really all that mattered.</p><p> </p><p>"JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER WHERE THE RUDDY HELL DID YOU PUT THE MILK" Euphemia shouted. James and Sirius had been pouring the milk they stole from the kitchen into jars for another one of their experiments, but James froze as soon as he heard his mum say his name.<br/>"Don't understand why it's always me that's in trouble, you were in on it too" James muttered under his breath and went down to the kitchen while trying to come up with a cover story. He was a bit upset that Sirius wasn't getting into any trouble, but really, he was happy Sirius was finally feeling at home with his family. Honestly, at this point James' parent should just adopt Sirius it wouldn't even change anything.  He was glad his parents accepted Sirius even though Sirius' parents weren't exactly the best kind of people. No you know what fuck that, Orion and Walburga were terrible people. Even though he was about to get in loads of trouble with his mum, James could feel a small smile tugging at his lips. He snapped out of that as soon as he got downstairs.<br/>"I suppose you've got some very well thought out explanation for this." his mum deadpanned, staring straight at him. If looks could kill James would be a dead bitch.<br/>Before James could even try to answer, his mum just sighed in exhaustion and told him to give the milk back. Thank Merlin she didn't yell at him. But James wasn't planning on returning the milk so he had a feeling there would be lots of yelling involved sooner or later.<br/>After coning back into his room, he and Sirius sat in silence. James had the feeling Sirius wanted to say something, so he waited patiently, which was very hard for him to do cause if you've ever talked to James you would immediately figure out he is the complete opposite of patient.<br/>"I'm moving into a flat with Remus." Sirius finally blurted out, and looked a bit relieved but nervous, as if he was expecting James to hate him or something. Instead, James just responded with a smile and a 'good on you mate', and they started talking about Quidditch like nothing had ever happened.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. the real reason voldemort doesn't have his nose, aka dumbledore getting revenge for zefron</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nothing, just Voldemort being a dick and Dumbledore literally just being AVPM Dumbledore.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbledore couldn't sleep. He had destroyed most of the Horcruxes, and he knew he had to destroy this last one, cause if he didn't Voldemort would be unstoppable. And Dumbledore actually cared about other people and wasn't about to let teenagers fight this self proclaimed Dark Lord (canon Dumbledore take notes lol), so he looked down at the final Horcrux and sighed. He had to do this. But he just couldn't bring himself to. It was stupid, the fact that he couldn't destroy it, he did have the basilisk venom which he fought very hardly for at the wizard black market, but this Horcrux wasn't like the others. This would be so much easier if it was some sort of ancient relic, but Voldemort was cruel enough to make it something he knew no one in their right mind could ever destroy. A Zac Efron poster. Dumbledore knew his gay ass could never hurt such perfection. But, he was a actually decent person, so he had to do it. Fighting back tears, Dumbledore raised the sword he smeared basilisk venom on, and was about to bring it down on that masterpiece, when Professor McGonagall stepped in.</p><p> "Have you done it yet Albus?" The Transfiguration professor asked tentatively. She knew that this was a hard time for Dumbledore, and she didn't want to put more pressure on him then necessary.</p><p> "I just- I can't do it- it's too hard", Dumbledore finally snapped and managed to say that through tears, "I know, I should be the one to do it, but-" </p><p>"Gimme the bloody sword Albus." Minerva McGonagall was lesbian asf so wasn't too bothered by having to destroy the face that Dumbledore couldn't bear to hurt. She grabbed the sword like the BAMF that she is, and drove it straight through the poster. Dumbledore covered his eyes. He couldn't bear to see something so gruesome.</p><p> "Is- is it done" Dumbledore asked quietly. </p><p>"Yes, that would be all the Horcruxes Albus. We can finally defeat Voldemort for good." </p><p>"10 points to Dumbledore" he whispered before bursting into tears over the destroyed Zac Efron poster.</p><p> </p><p> Voldemort was truly a monster. It was one thing committing murder as a hobby, but it's completely different to make something so special into a Horcrux. And for that, Tom Riddle would pay. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore would make sure of it. (also sorry I'm trying to make it sound dramatic but DUMBLEDORES FULL NAME IS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME. LIKE I DUNNO IT JUST MAKES ME LAUGH EVERY TIME I HEAR IT). Dumbledore tightened his grip on the Elder Wand. It was painful to remember how he had acquired the wand though. The headmaster had to duel with his ex-boyfriend who may or may not have committed mass genocide in order to get that wand and for what. To kill some half-snake guy or something. Dumbledore felt as though he were letting himself down in a way. But he had to do this. He was too much of a coward to destroy the last Horcrux, but this, this he couldn't let Minerva take care of. It was something he had to do. Call it a way to gain self-confidence or something. </p><p>He made his way down to the cemetery, hoping to run into Voldemort there. He knew Voldemort tended to hang out in graveyards cause he was just ~QuIrKy~ and ~DiFfErEnT~ like that. The cemetery was quiet and eerie, and Dumbledore internally cursed Voldemort's aesthetic. He slowly made his way through the cemetery and not just to cause suspension but cause he was an old bitch and his joints weren't really working anymore. Everything was quiet, and for a split second Dumbledore thought maybe he messed up. Maybe Voldemort found a new hangout spot. </p><p>"AVADA KEDAVRA" Dumbledore heard from behind him. He quickly jumped out of the way, slightly bruising his tailbone in the process. He brushed his star themed pajama pants off and stood face to face with Voldemort (also Voldy wasn't moldy at the time he was actually decently good looking meaning yes he did have a nose... for now). </p><p>"Hello Tom", Dumbledore said c a l m l y, looking at his enemy through his glasses with pure disgust in his eyes. Voldemort just smiled back. </p><p>"I won't let you kill any more people. Too many have suffered at your hand, including Zefron, and for that you must pay." Voldemort cackled loudly and Dumbledore couldn't help but cringe. That laugh made Voldy sound constipated, and it was honestly hilarious. "Dumbledore you old fool. You can't kill me. Zefron was but one of my Horcruxes."</p><p> "I know. I destroyed them all. Do you really underestimate me that much... I'm hurt Tom. Really" Dumbledore over exaggerated, dramatically sighing and pointing his wand straight at Voldemort.</p><p> Dumbledore probably imagined it, but he could've sworn he saw emotion in the other man's eyes. Probably just mind tricks or something. Voldemort didn't do emotions. Rather smart of him really, emotions are dumb (literally just me trying to convince myself that trying to ignore my emotions is okay while i should actually listen to my therapist).</p><p> Dumbledore's hand shook while trying to hold up his wand. Probably arthritis. Mans was old. Voldemort took his wand out as well. The two just stood there, not knowing who would strike first, when Dumbledore remembered the spell Severus taught him. </p><p>"SECTUMSEPRA!" Dumbledore shouted. Nothing happened. Voldemort just looked at him as though he was some crazy old guy or something. Crazy right? </p><p>"Sorry, sorry pronounced it wrong. Let me try again. SECTUMSEPRA!" This time the spell worked. A jet of light burst out of the Elder Wand, hitting Voldemort square in the nose. Voldemort gasped when he realized that in the place of his nose was now blood.</p><p> "LETS SEE HOW MANY OF MY STUDENTS ASK YOU TO SLYTHER-IN NOW TOM! HA!" Dumbledore laughed a little to loud, then quickly composed himself. Voldemort started hyperventating and Dumbledore could've sworn he saw a tear incorporated in the blood or something. </p><p>"JUST KILL ME NOW DUMBLEDORE! I'M NOTHING WITHOUT MY NOSE!" Voldemort shouted, snot and tears going everywhere.</p><p>"And so I will. FOR ZEFRON!"</p><p>Dumbledore pointed his wand straight at Voldemort (cue dramatic face zoom and suspenseful music).</p><p>"Avada Kedavra" Dumbledore said c a l m l y, and Voldemort fell. The wizarding world was now safe.</p><p>"Well that was easy." Dumbledore thought out loud. "Expecto Patronum" </p><p>A phoenix popped out of his wand.</p><p>"Let the Order now Voldemort is dead. And that it was me who killed him, I want all the credit"</p><p> </p><p>The Potters had the entire Order (including the marauders and stuff) over for dinner. Everyone was enjoying themselves, Sirius was drinking a shit ton of firewhisky, Mrs. Potter was scolding him for it, Mad-Eye Moody stood guard cause constant vigilance, all the usual basically, when suddenly a transparent phoenix flew in. </p><p>"Voldemort's dead. We're safe now" the phoenix said in Dumbledore's voice.</p><p>Everyone fell quiet. They were all in so much shock they didn't know what to say. James was the first to speak up.</p><p>"Gideon and Fabian owe me 100 galleons." he muttered, and everyone snapped out and started celebrating the beginning of this new era.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im genuinley sorry for what you're about to read. like honestly. i just really had to incorporate avpm into this. also, if i were to write an avpm based quirrelmort fanfic, would anyone read it? asking for a friend. Also sorry this is a bit rushed, but I've been working on this for way too long and I don't have the patience to edit it.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So if you've read the summary or really this thing in general you'd be able to tell this is my first fanfiction. And like it's probably kind of bad, but at this point I don't even care. And honestly I put so much work into this one chapter so can you guys please comment or leave kudos or something to encourage me to make more. Yeah that's all. <br/>also if you're going to comment i use she/they pronouns just to avoid any confusion :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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